i met this chick and she seemed to be all in to me, we've been talking daily, went out to lunch last week. yesterday she mentioned that she was supposed to go on this date with another guy who has been "pressuring" her to date him, to the point she was having an anxiety attack yesterday. also, she seemed extremely depressed when i talked to her yesterday. today i sent her a text and she has not responded. i suppose this is why they say not to get involved with newcomers to 12-step programs. not sure if i should be sad or counting my blessings, or both. also, i'm legitimately concerned for her well-being. just thought i'd share my tale of woe with you bros. sorry for being so beta on a sunday afternoon.
I Think I Am Having Girl Problems
Posted 12 July 2015 - 04:15 PM
As I read your post, several things jump out:
1. New girl;
2. All into you (and yet she is a new girl that probably does not yet really know you all that well - is it possible she may be a tad impulsive?);
3. Being pressured by another guy (and she may have very well given him the wrong signals, or may have also lead him to believe she was "all into him"?);
4. Anxiety attack (OK - you have to be kidding - (Him) "please go out with me", (Her) "must have Xanax to deal with the enormity of this") Deciding to date or not to date is simply not a major trauma.
5. Extremely depressed (note to self - falling for a bipolar girl might not be a prudent choice)
6. From the "Hey, BeauB is a dickhead" department - if either of you are in a 12 step program, the last thing you need is the complication and misdirection of a new relationship -- it WILL cause you to lose focus on what you are there to deal with and will not yield favorable results. People tend to save others at times like this. It may "feel right" but rarely turns out that way.
Please notice, I made no references or suggestions with respect to having degrading sex with her or coaxing her into calling you names of TV heroes. In fact, having sex with her might be the worst thing you could do.
Did you ever see the movie "Play Misty for Me"?
- labelhunter, somedude17 and Looseunitwa like this
Posted 12 July 2015 - 06:36 PM
i have never seen "Play Misty for Me". can you break it down for me? she got back to me and said she wasn't feeling well. we are both in 12-step programs. i have dipped my feet into the proverbial 12-step dating waters before, with predictably poor results. but i am a thick-headed Irishman. i have to bang my head against the wall a million times before i realize that it's hurting my head. then i will bang it some more just to make sure. in other news, i just got a new sponsor. the good news: it's not her!! the bad news: i'm gonna have to tell him about what i'm doing and how fucked up my thinking and behavior has been recently.
Posted 12 July 2015 - 10:30 PM
By the way, un-customarily, I am not trying to poke fun (well, except the "Play Mister for Me" reference was a bit extreme).
I wish you the best of luck with the 12 step program (for whatever it is, and I am not asking/prying).
Congratulations for facing whatever issues need to be faced.
Most never do.
Good for you. Really.
- Looseunitwa likes this
Posted 14 July 2015 - 08:54 PM
we are hanging out again tomorrow, bros. we went to dinner tonight, but with a group of my recovery friends. i'll be honest, idk what the fuck i'm doing. it feels right but i feel a little guilty too. i never thought i'd be the guy dating a newcomer. in fact, i was skeptical about dating any women in the program. i just got a new sponsor too, wait 'til i drop this bombshell on him. oof
- Looseunitwa likes this
Posted 15 July 2015 - 06:20 PM
I used to think I was a freak, but not anymore.
That being said, it is tough to find a woman who is not 100% nuts and understands that men are not perfect, too. I would prob go for a girl in a program if I felt I was not at risk of relapsing when stuff started getting weired. Might do it anyway if she was hot, or just had that mysterious sexxxxyness some seem to have.
Posted 15 July 2015 - 08:39 PM
As someone who has done time around such programs...
Newcomers should be left alone really. I've got tangled up a few times but no one at that stage is ready for much of anything and they really aren't firing on all cylinders mentally. Sure they talk and sound human, but they're way behind mentally. Serious chemical imbalances and immaturity in dealing with life and interpersonal relations. You really don't know what to expect and should be careful because you might be dipping your pen in really dirty ink. All of the worst relationship traits that you can think of are possible and reasonably likely.
As for the excuses... well either see what I said above or take it as her rationalizing away to make herself not sound like she gets around. It's his fault they're going on a date, she can't make such decisions for herself. See how she framed that? That way when she fucks him, it wasn't something she wanted. Sure she's gonna love it, but she can walk away feeling like it wasn't her doing.
The anxiety, depression... that's normal for someone trying get back on track. Often comes with the territory, one day can be good the next can be horrible. Codependency can become a thing and you can become her emotional tampon. Careful of that because she'll end up using you and sorta dragging your through her crap and keeping you around to help distract her from dealing with her shit.
- SimonBoyle likes this
Posted 16 July 2015 - 06:55 AM
But be true to yourself in this matter.....don't be overly concerned with you trying to figure out her feelings, be totally concerned in yours!
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